Have you ever noticed that when one thing goes wrong, so does everything else? Realising I’d already reached the end of my frayed tether this morning, I grabbed a calming Catherine Marshall book and a soothing cup of tea and escaped to my back garden to sit in the sun. All was peaceful and serene, until I sat down, put my feet up and began to relax. At that very moment the guy next door launched into some brutal jackhammering whilst yelling a tirade of descriptive sentences all beginning with “F” a few metres away on the other side of the fence. My last attempt at sanity was lost.
Where do you go when you’re feeling miserable? Sometimes being with certain friends can really help – particularly those who have the gift of empathy and the added gift of humour. However, I know I have days when I need to hide away from everyone, no matter how much I love them.
Today I am drawn to the warmth of the sun, the crimson and gold of the crunchy leaves on the autumn trees, and the softness of the clouds as they caress the sky. Even the air against my skin is brushing away the cobwebs which have formed from too many days spent indoors. Today I walk and walk, trying to heal the invisible wounds within with my pounding steps. My heart is broken and raw, but slowly my body is awakening and responding to the natural world around me. There is a vague sense of regrowth, of a bud forming, and a seed sprouting to life.
Again I’ve been reminded of the unpredictable nature of grief. I’m now three months down the road since Mum’s passing, and I thought I was coping well. Yet one less than friendly email, and a stressful week at work and I’ve come undone, split at the seams like an antique silk frock trying to accommodate a buxom lady. A little pressure came into my world, and I fell apart. I love the way Catherine Marshall describes grief in her book ‘To Live Again’ which I read when the jackhammering eventually stopped:
… The first need of the bereaved person is for comfort – just plain comfort. In sorrow, we are all like little children, hurt children who yearn to creep into a mother’s arms and rest there; have her stroke our foreheads and speak softly to us as she used to do. But, of course, that is impossible; we are grown men and women. Yet the need for comfort remains.
I’ve experienced the need for comfort somewhat literally as I’ve craved my pink fluffy dressing gown, my new soft throw rug for the lounge and the silky cushions. I’ve also craved cappucinos and steaming apple crumble with lashings of icecream. Every kind remark and gesture from my friends has fallen like precious rain in a desert, quenching and affirming my soul, but every harsh and judgmental word has stabbed and wounded me so deeply. I love the song ‘Hands’ by Jewel where she sings about living our lives as ‘God’s hands’ where ‘In the end only kindness matters’. Kindness is indeed a powerful thing, and perhaps it is all that really matters. It certainly is what I crave right now.
I also read this week how emotional healing begins at the core of our pain, and then spreads outwards, so eventually we are healed and whole. Until we face up to the depths of our pain, it will fester and stay hidden, possibly causing illness or mental problems years down the track. I know for me, true healing of the deep place in my heart can only come through spiritual means, as physical comfort, logic and positive talk can only go so far.
So for now I will remain in a soft place, surrounded by kindness and warmth, and I’ll crawl into the arms of God – arms as invisible as my pain – and also just as real. Like a lost and broken lamb I’ll rest in the strong arms of a loving shepherd until healing comes. Only then will he place me back onto my wobbly legs to follow him along the rocky path, ready for our next adventure.
I will lie down in peace, and sleep; for you alone O Lord make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8
hugs, thoughts and prayers with you, my dear.
xxx
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Thanks Viv – really appreciate all three. xxx
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Kerry – I can almost feel your pain reading this. And yes – do crawl into your heavenly father’s arms. He will hold you and hold you and hold you and never let you go. Love you xoxo
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My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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