Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. – Marlene Dietrich
I’ve found a cafe in Cronulla which makes a brilliant decaf skim cappuccino. Each Monday I visit while my son attends tutoring nearby. Last week I indulged in banana bread, sharing succulent toasted cubes with my youngest son. What bliss after months on a low carb diet! This week I resisted and just had the good coffee, and a baby cappuccino for my son.
When I went to pay the bill the usually friendly waitress shot me a disdainful look and announced: ‘Last week we didn’t charge you for the banana bread, so we’re charging you today’. As the coffee is so expensive I hadn’t noticed their omission. I wondered how she had remembered this small oversight, after serving hundreds of customers since my visit. Feeling irritated, I handed over the extra cash, which left me short for the rest of the afternoon. I’m not sure I’ll return to that cafe, despite the delicious decaf.
This week I’ve been rattling around our house, stretching out across our queen sized bed, taking the kids to Maccas for dinner, and taking charge of the remote control, while my husband has been away enjoying the smell of race fuel and the adrenalin rush of the race track with his beloved Kawasaki and mates. Last night I started to miss him.
The banana bread incident reminded me of the many times I have brooded about my husband’s comments. If the waitress had charged me for the bread on the day I ate it, I would have paid for it willingly, but her hostile attitude a week later was really annoying. The same thing can happen in our relationships. I’m too hurt to talk about it at the time of injury, so I think about it for a while before launching a retaliatory attack a week later. Deal with it at the time and it is fresh and fixable, but leave it for a week without words and an active imagination, and all sorts of resentment and bitterness fester.
I hate to admit it, but I can see how my brooding can get in the way of a harmonious marriage. The conflict may be very real, but the resentment turns a minor issue into a mountainous maze.
When I visited Mum in the nursing home this week she was trembling more than usual as she lay in her water chair, but her eyes smiled at me with all the depth of a mother’s love. I remembered the many harsh words spoken between us over the years. She always had a knack of saying the one thing that would stab me to the core. I spent years cradling intense anger and bitterness toward Mum, and perhaps I would still be holding onto these emotions if a brain tumour hadn’t shattered our secure world and turned it upside down. Cancer taught me to forgive, but what a tough way to learn that lesson.
Forgiveness is often the harder road to walk, but its rewards are endless. Forgiveness opens the door to intimacy and longevity in a relationship. It is the bedrock of love, the lifeblood of trust and the window that lets in the light of hope. If someone has hurt you, consider what you have to gain by forgiving them, and what you have to lose if you don’t.
Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
— Cherie Carter-ScottBear with each other and forgive one another… Forgive as the Lord forgave you. — Colossians 3:13, the Bible
This is a wise attitude. Not sure I keep to it myself all the time but I try.
I also think that in all likelihood what the waitress did is illegal. Goods are paid for at the time of the deal, and its up to the cafe to make sure you are charged correctly. In all probability she had to make up the loss from her wages or tips, hence her demanding it again. I don’t know what Oz law is, though.
I’d not go back either. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
xx
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Thanks Viv – yes it probably is illegal, but one thing is for sure – it is annoying! However, I find that when someone’s actions really annoy me, there is often a mirror-like reflection of my own actions in theirs. This is what I discovered in this situation – it reminded me of my own tendency to stew over things, and ‘reheat people’s sins for breakfast’ rather than just let it go. It can be very revealing to notice who annoys you & to consider why that is.
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It reminds me of Ephesians 4:26
“In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry… Wise words.
Forgiveness is important because when we hold these things we tend to hurt ourselves more than anyone else! I wonder how much holding onto bitterness and resentment are the fuel for much illness too. Forgiveness is certainly not an easy step because sometimes it feels good to be angry, and we forget how much better it feels to release the other person in forgiveness.
It’s also important to note that forgiveness is not to forget, but to let go, and depending on the issue, is an ongoing need not a once and for all – although that would be nice!
I find it interesting that forgiveness is a religious / spiritual concept that is now becoming an accepted part of psychology and counselling practices as it is understood how vital a part of anyone’s journey it is.
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Thanks Carol – I was thinking about each of the issues you mention as I wrote the blog. Interesting that you did too! Two peas in a pod as usual… Forgiveness is such a massive subject – it could (and has) easily fill a book – or a series of books. It is certainly something that I need to be constantly reminded of – even if it is through frustrating cafe experiences…
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